disclaimer or something

A mummy-hand holding, (former) biker gang affiliating, hippie influenced semi crunchy granola mom's ramblings and reminisings on an off-kilter life

Monday, June 11, 2012

Dear enviro_government anti-hummer folks

Dear enviro_government anti-hummer folks

Hummers are no longer manufactured. I'm not quite sure why but with the government basically owning GM and the enviromentalist lobbbyists running the government, of course, get rid if the flagship evil vehicle. you know, the Hummers that singlehandedly wiped out the dodo bird,melted the ice caps, caused global famine, global warming, and 33 percent of smog...wait, at least the smog part is Cina's, yep 33 percent of the smog on the West Coast belongs to China. We can have all these enviro. regulations and China none. How come? Well even the enviro folks say that China was late in the industrialization game so it is their turn to pollute. wtf? 
....anyways back on topic here....

The government decided Hummers were to blame for all evils in the world and nixed the production line. I partially blame them and partially blame rappers. Stupid bling bling ignoramuses decided Hummerswere the shiznit. I'm sorry but Hummers don't fit well on narrow alleys where you go to score drugs. Hummers don't give a smooth ride to impress hookers with. They're sluggish clunky tanks and that is why I like them. My Hummer is not bling and whatever rapper made it trendy to think so can kiss my tow hitch. Thanks k-dog or whatever for making my Hummer obsolete.

I love my Hummer but Hummy aka Sport Tank is out of warranty and we are looking to consolidate car payments but noooo theres no Hummer to, well, replace my Hummer. I do not want an overpriced minivan aka "CUV" that gets stuck in an inch of sleet.

I want a real SUV because holy moly I use it. I want a vehicle that fits my family plus a shepherd and great dane. I want it to haul lumber and trees and manure and groceries and hyper sharp clawed dogs (not all at once, esp manure) without damage to the cashmere interior or eggshell bumper. I want a car that will jump over a 5 foot ice and gravel berm and land in my driveway all in one peice. I want to easily navigate the tobaggan route that is my street and scale a 5,000 foot rock strewn foggy-enough-you-can't-see-the-hood hill and, because of a five star crash rating, survive to do it again the next day. I want to go offroading to see the sunset and not bottom out. I want to drive on the freeway and feel impervious to the "I swear my family sedan, old fogey mobile, honda is a meth addicts race car" folks because i am big blue and coming through in my blue h3 with kick arse mud tires and chp grill thingy. I want a car that I can drive over armageddon's zombies with on my way to buy organic heirloom veggies, rose bushes, and an addition to my arsenal. Your CUVs can suck it and can get stuck in the snow next to a hungry zombie encampment. I'm sure they will appreciate your hybrid fuel efficency, 14 starbucks cup holders, rear dvd system, and lipstick tray. That is, they'll discuss the niceties of your CUV as they burp up part of yor arm and pick bling out of their teeth.

No comments:

Post a Comment