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| Image courtesy of http://elfontheshelf.com |
So, after the zillionth elf reference, my curiosity got to me and I decided I needed to know about this Elf cult. I mean, I don't watch The Voice or Survivor and don't own True Religion jeans so I'm kind of out of the pop culture loop. As a human being on this planet, I should know something about this kind of thing, you know, to be kind of "with it".
So I googled it and basically this stuffed elf spies on your children and reports his findings back to Santa. Fu€king snitch! And he "magically" moves his placement daily so to better conduct his covert ops. Monday it is the bookshelf, Tuesday the mantle, and if you are a mother with no life, the elf gets naughty and he is in your panty drawer sniffing your delicates like a little pervert by Friday. The elf drinks liquor and watches porn and makes messes in your house and is the type of guest I'd call the cops on...and social services cause he is 5150 (code for danger to self/others).
He is also so "magical" he cannot be touched or he just turns into a mute stuffed elf and then who tells Santa you didn't laugh at Grandma gumming her ice cream and that you didn't rip your sister's Barbie head off, and you said thank you all in the same day so gimme my Nintendo DS, Santa? Apparently, since you touched Frankie the fu€ked up elf, he is dead to us and Santa is giving you pink knitted bunny slippers, Naughty Nathan.
The thing that most disturbs me is this Elf is a great ambassador for the Patriot Act. You register your elf online and track him, name him, and Lord knows what else since I didn't register because I'm sans Elf. Then this elf spies on your family, looking for key words and actions that indicate "naughty" and he will report back to Big Brother aka Santa (or perhaps the government). These reports, even if falsified, determine your future and how everyone treats you even if it is incorrect information. I mean, how valid is the information from a stuffed Elf mass produced in a Chinese factory? There has to be a margin of error pretty big or we'd be using these guys in Iraq for intel. Special Ops Elf Division. 1225 Airborne. But see, we're not.
What does the elf see? Does he just notice when your kiddos don't share a toy, or does the elf see all? Did he see me pick my wedgie this morning? Does he know hubby and I have "special" time? Can the elf operate weaponry? Just who is this elf?
And is there a re-education camp for parents who get the creep factor and try and rid of the elf? Is there such thing as ridding of the elf or is it some elfin mafia thing? If you throw him away does he come back all Chucky-like? Will the elves gang up on you and suddenly you are dead, in Santa's sleigh trunk, headed to the middle of nowhere?
One thing is for sure, there will be no elf on my shelf this Christmas.
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Bwa ha ha ha-creepy little thing but I know many a family who has one. Not me!
ReplyDeleteI've read of several bloggers who have such an elf visiting them this Christmas season. One has really gotten several neat hiding places for it. Another had to set her alarm to make sure she remembered moving it to a different place :)
ReplyDeletebetty
No elf in our house either. I have four kids 7 and under and no patience for babysitting a tattling elf. No time!
ReplyDeleteHahahaha. I had never heard of the Elf before this year, and the truth is, he kind of freaks me out.
ReplyDelete:) we have Christopher Pop-in-Kins. i found him much cuter than the creepy Elf on the Shelf- and it was $10 less! :D i read the book once, and every night before bed, i (or the hubs) moves him. that's about it. Lovie gets a BIG kick out of spotting him and will say, "Did you see where silly Christopher Pop in Kins is??" :) it's adorable and fun and cute and so very innocent. i have no desire to threaten no toys or whatever or make her think the thing is a voyeuristic creep. ;)
ReplyDeleteNo elf here either! That would probably do me in :) Plus, he looks scary.
ReplyDeleteI didn't get the elf thing either. Thankfully google helped me figure out what it was about, so at least now I can say I'm not interested in owning one and know what it is I don't want.
ReplyDeleteI hadn't heard of it before this year, either, but the entire concept, in addition to what the elf looks like, is totally creepy.
ReplyDeleteI totally missed the boat on the elf phenomenon too. So glad my kids are 11 and 13 and would think I'm insane if I bought one now.
ReplyDeletePlus, I'm with you: He's a creepy little sucker.
When I was in high school, my dad (who had to get up butt early for work) would move this little stuffed Grinch doll he had to different places. My sister and I loved getting up and finding him. It was just a cute thing to do. On Christmas morning, my dad sat him in the manger looking at baby Jesus and we both started to cry!
ReplyDeleteLove it. You know how I hate that creepy little bastard.
ReplyDeleteThe Elf is very popular in my neck of the woods. My kids don't believe in Santa, though, so he wouldn't have much effect in my house.
ReplyDeleteI had a vague idea of what the Elf on the Shelf was, but it's even worse than I imagined! Sooo creepy.
ReplyDeleteI admit that I sometimes throw some glitter on the floor and then shout, "Look, an elf must have been here!" But $35 for a creepy elf doll that I have to stage an elaborate daily scenario for? Nope.
ReplyDeleteWe have an elf, but it stays in the box. I think its creepy. My oldest thinks its a stalker. His words not mine.
ReplyDeleteI'm so with you on this. I mean if the parents think it's fun and the kids love it, then more power to you, Elf families! But it's a little too 1984 for me.
ReplyDeleteI find his eyes creepy. But I can't look away from pictures of him. I just keep staring at them. We don't have one because I'm sort of afraid he'll kill me in my sleep.
ReplyDeleteHa! A new movement - SHELF THE ELF!
ReplyDelete