disclaimer or something

A mummy-hand holding, (former) biker gang affiliating, hippie influenced semi crunchy granola mom's ramblings and reminisings on an off-kilter life

Monday, December 3, 2012


Conversation heart candies scarred me for life.

In fourth grade, there was this total hunk of a boy, Kevin R. I don't remember how he looked anymore but I am sure he was dreamy because all the girls wanted him. As the scrawny, pale, shy, coke bottle bespectacled nerd, I was last on his radar. Except...that my overly hopeful imagination deceived me when reality set in and i found out he just might like me! When our teacher, Mrs. A berated me in front of the class for something like 20 minutes over missing homework, he looked generally concerned and told Mrs. A to stop yelling. Aww, he stood up for me and my heart skipped a beat! Then, right before Christmas we got to choose our own seats for the week, he chose to sit next to me. And then I found out his birthday was the day after mine. We even got in trouble for talking to one another during a test. Talk about soul mates!

When Valentines rolled around, I was still hopelessly in love with Kevin. I can still remember, clear as day, making out a class set of Valentines and writing a heart over the "i" in his name in red pen. That wasn't enough. My love for Kevin was epic and I had to show it. I reached over to the conversation hearts candy box my mom had given me and frantically rummaged through them. And then, heaven on my side, I found a pink "date me" heart. My heart was racing and my hands went clammy as I dropped it in the envelope and sealed it. I wanted to rip it open and take out the heart, I was a foolish idiot! And yet I wanted to run to his house right then and hand deliver it, sealed with a Bonnie belle lipgloss kiss.

Valentines day ticked by slowly and finally it was card exchange time. I was a nervous wreck and kept glancing his way, cautiously, to not be seen by others. I saw him grab my card. This was mission critical. The jovial sugar induced babble of the classroom drowned away as all my focus was on him. He pulled it out, glanced inside, and his friend ripped it from his hands. "Haha Kevin has a wannabe girlfriend!" The jerk giggled as he whispered to someone to pass it on. I swear Kevin had a disappointed look on his face as the rumor wheel circled away from him and came my way. Suddenly someone nudged me and whispered in my ear, "pst someone wants to date Kevin hahaha pass it on". I was mortified beyond relief. I tried to play it cool and sat there, choking back tears, shoving. Cinnamon hearts down my gullet to kill the pain. My legs were shaking and I dashed out of class, collapsing into sobs outside the library.

Mrs. A came out and asked what was wrong and I lied. I mumbled something about needing to go to the bathroom and not having enough bathroom privilege points. She patted me on the back and I walked back in, sworn to secrecy for life.

Ever since this occasion, lasting until age 23 when I started dating the man I knew i would marry, I never told a soul who I had a crush on. I kept it all inside, afraid of public mockery. Isn't it funny how a little thing can mean so much?

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