disclaimer or something

A mummy-hand holding, (former) biker gang affiliating, hippie influenced semi crunchy granola mom's ramblings and reminisings on an off-kilter life

Monday, September 2, 2013

darkness

I fear everything slipping away into the darkness, a black hole of no return.

The worst part about it? It could happen and it is one of those "possibles" that makes me queasy inside, a gnawing with worry kind of feeling I try and shove deeper and deeper inside in an attempt to ignore the obvious.

I was born like any child, except, one eye never "grew up"; as doctors tell me, I never got past newborn vision. My eye muscles, for no apparent reason, decided to never develop and thus atrophied, causing "amblyopia" (lazy eye), except my eye doesn't move around like the pasty coke bottled nerd's did in eighth grade, or like the frizzy haired psychiatrist's did in college.

But it is was all okay, because I had one good eye. It could see with decent 20/30 vision. So while my poor bad eye endured patch therapy and other experimental therapies, hard stabby contacts, and near blindness, his friendly sidekick helped him along and saw for him. Good little eye! Good eye even took one for the team and wore prescription-free glass on his side of the spectacles so that bad eye could have a coke bottle thick lens to kind of sort of see blurs with. Both eyes endured teasing children. Both eyes conspired against the constant torture of optometrists and decided to memorize part of the eye chart so that I became a medical marvel with improved eyesight until they switched charts on me. Bad eye endured exasperated ophthalmologists who couldn't believe bad eye couldn't see the big damned E (first letter on the chart) even with corrective lenses. Bad eye even endured that creepy ophthalmologist that probably kept children in his basement.

I decided to get contacts as a teen and even got one for my good 20/30 eye. The creepy ophthalmologist told me 'contacts are bad for your eyes" and in regular teenage fashion, I ignored him until one broke. In my eye. I had to put ointment ON MY EYEBALL.

Good eye got mad, or jealous of bad eye, and began to deteriorate, but slowly, almost imperceptibly.

Over fifteen years, good eye rebelled and now.... he can't see the big damned E on his own but can with correction. He is estimated at 20/350. Bad eye has either worsened in step, or technology has advanced as he is "past 20./800" and finally the ophthalmologist gave up on the chart and I get the humiliating "how many fingers am I showing?"

My biggest fear is approaching...I am slowly getting more blind. My good eye, with glasses, can't see the clock across the room, or the poster in my friend's house, or street signs until too late. I need new glasses but I am in denial.

 I love sunsets and paintings and my children's smiles and my independence and refuse to accept the "possibles" of blindness. The thought alone makes my heart skip a beat in panic and I simply cannot express how it makes me feel because I don't want to accept it. I will continue to bury it inside as I squint through life.

13 comments:

  1. Oh, this does not sound fun. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

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  2. What a horrible fear to live with - it clearly comes across in the post - and I'm so sorry you are going through this.

    My 3-year-old has a lazy eye/strabismus - but I don't think as severe as what you are describing. In the past few years we've done patches; she's had an operation; and may need another; and still needs glasses. Even when she was under two we every now and then overheard some mean things other kids would say. Infuriating - and so unnecessary.

    Thank you for sharing - may you not "slip into darkness."

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  3. :( This sounds bad...Hope new glasses help.

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  4. I've had really bad eyesight since I was a small child, and it has certainly made me appreciate what we often take for granted...but need so much. Your experience can help us all to keep valuing what we have.

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  5. My god, I'm sorry you're facing this possibility. Best of luck to you.

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  6. Oh, how scary! Good luck with this!!!

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  7. I am so sorry, it is terrible what we take for granted. Best to you

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  8. I can't even imagine how hard that must be, but writing about it is one step toward facing it! Good for you!

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  9. I was 20/800 in both eyes 9 years ago before I had LASIK. Post procedure I was better than 20/20 in both eyes and I'm not much worse today, except when a muscle in the right eye goes crazy and I see double. At least both images are clear.

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  10. I am sorry you are faced with this. Life sure isn't fair.

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  11. Oh, no!!!! I am so sorry. I, too, had LASIK about ten years ago. Don't know if it would help you. It's not scary at all.

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