Pissy rant because I suck

I am my own worst critic. As an introvert and highly sensitive person, criticism really gets to me.

So many of you know I am a teacher. Education is everything to me, I hope to write education-related books someday and my head in the clouds aspiration is to be a "power that be" person and be a voice of reason in education.

Anyways, I got an email from an administrator that my 6th period class is out of control. (No (@($ Sherlock). I have 38 students and the majority are those with many suspensions and endangerment of failing and all that. The "at risk" kids who are each a handful. I had two of my most "lovelies" out of class-one in the restroom, one in the nurse, or so they told me. They were actually way down the hall and had hidden their passes. They got caught by an administrator. Odd thing was, they were supposedly doing schoolwork. But they got sent back and the administrator saw a few kids with electronic devices. I try and control the use of them (not allowed) but a few kids will actually sit down and be quiet if they have third stupid iPod playing. So now I have to not allow iPods at all and keep better control of my class. Magically.

See the students tell me I have to tell at them for them to behave. Seriously, thy told me this. First, I don't yell. I have asthma and it somehow made it that I can't yell. If I do it comes out alien like. It's an unintelligible high pitched growl that quivers and cracks and cannot be taken with any seriousness. The crazy cat lady on the Simpsons is scarier and more intelligible than I. Second, should I even have to yell, if, say, I could?

I should have procedures in place and every minute should count as fast paced no time to waste instruction. It is it if they don't want to learn, I can't make them. I can nag. I can call home. I can fail them. But they don't care and tell me as such. They complain I give too much work but don't do any of it anyways because only the midterm and final count as a grade. Nothing else. So why work?

Anyways yes this is a lengthy rant. I feel powerless to get 38 students, most who don't want to be there and aren't held accountable, to "behave". I'm quiet and understanding and they walk all over me. But I can't even be quiet and strict or mean or whatever as it isn't in my nature.

Maybe I am not cut out for teaching.
Maybe I should just write my damned book and pray someone publishes and then buys it. I have to succeed at something, right?