disclaimer or something

A mummy-hand holding, (former) biker gang affiliating, hippie influenced semi crunchy granola mom's ramblings and reminisings on an off-kilter life

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Which fork is it?

I have this gorgeous dress that cost$ $160 and I've been dying to wear it and won't be able to for about a year. I took up the rare opportunity of both fitting in the dress and having a babysitter, to go out on a date with my hubby.

We chose some fancy bistro type place, since I looked nice and stuff. The kind of place that is the scene in which to be seen, the place with foie gras confit foam Perdue or whatever. And while I am a foodie so gourmet food is quite enjoyable, the scene is not so enjoyable.

I grew up in a boiled dinner, eat in front of the tv in your sweat pants family. Going "out" to eat meant Jack in the Box. So I get a bit confused at these hoity toity places.

I don't know which forks to use. Of you want me to use different forks for different things, save me the embarrassment and bring me the salad fork with my salad, thank you.

I think linen napkins are pretty and do make great lap protectors, but what do I wipe my greasy hands onto? What if, because I'm a walking allergy, I need to wipe or blow my nose? I don't want to "excuse myself to powder my nose" a dozen times, I mean, that makes the other diners suspicious, like, is she selling drugs,? Does she have explosive diarrhea?

And then there are weird foods. Can you eat truffle pomme frites with your hands like you do with fast food fries? What do you do with an inedible chunk of fat? How do you remove an olive pit with class? (Apparently nibbling and sucking the olive, pinched between our fingers, and hiding the olive pit under your plate is NOT the way. Again, just bring me pitted olives, okay?)

And what do you do if you have a huge chunk of meat and bread in your teeth? Trying to discretely dislodge it with your fingernail is not the answer. Complaining to your hubby about it lacks class (but wins in distinction). Trying to ignore it when all you can think about is the entire animal between your molars doesn't work either.

Which is why, for me, taking me to some hole in the wall taco shop is a much better idea. I can use no forks if I choose, and I can pick my teeth, blowy nose, suck an olive pit, hide inedible a, and have a good meal.


  1. LOL! I'm with you; we didn't go out to eat much when I was growing up; I learned over time how to handle myself in "fine" restaurants but there are some the waiters have the ability to be graciously serving me but still snubbing their nose at me because they know I don't know it all when it comes to etiquette in a restaurant. Those are hard to leave good tips to, but those I need to leave good tips to so they don't confirm the fact I am indeed a restaurant hick.

    Enjoy Saturday!


  2. Just remember from the outside in.... Then you'll be all 'set'!

  3. This is why I'm all for the intimate booth in the corner at intimidating restaurants. Sure, there's the romantic ambiance which is great but mainly I enjoy that no one can see me accidentally use the wrong fork or pick up french fries with my fingers. Low visibility = low pressure. Great post!

  4. Which restaurant did you go to? You guys should try the North Shore cafe in Big Bear next time you get out. The food is amazing! Best on the mountain! Going there this morning, yea!