I need a hospital "visit ten get one visit free"card

Or maybe I need one of those Senior Discount Day Tuesdays kinda things...why? All I ever do is go to the hospital.

So here's the low-down, and then it gets humorous towards the end.

I went in for a physical. Then blood. Then really should have gone to the ER for anaphylaxis. Then talked to the dr about anaphylaxis. Then about asthma. Then made an appt with a pulmonologist, a radiologist, and attempted at dermatology. Then a follow-up.

So readers of this blog may recall that I had the umm...cancer scare or cyst or whatever...a cyst the ultrasound tech could not find. The radiologist said my ultrasound was negative. Alright! So today, the doctor  felt my boobie again and there is a....something...there, so now a surgeon will call me in a few weeks or less, to set up an appointment for a "probably benign" checkup on a "negative result" , "couldn't feel it but everyone else can" appointment.

Great. You know, the doc says, "hmm probably not cancer. Yep! Be happy! Negative xray!" Followed by "Wait...see a surgeon (ahem...like...next year or century or whatever, knowing this hospital) for a lump I deem a mystery. You don't have breast cancer in your family right?" (btw the mystery lump...moves...if you moosh it, I guess that is good?) So you know, I get towait, not knowing anything for months. Joy!

So then I call dermatology and we play phone tag and they finally answer and say "well we're booked...how about December?" Granted my othe, yes. other, second, mystery lump, which is a "cyst, basel carcinoma cancer or squamous cancer or...?" has been there for a few years. I know I know, a few years? Well I just thought it was a mole or scar or something. But it's like...if it is skin cancer and has been there for years, well sure I'm not dead yet but to wait till December for someone to look at it (and prob. schedule another appt in February to really figure out what it is, then next July to remove it) kinda sucks.

And the.... celiac disease. I get tested for that and gluten intolerance but read up on it and if you are gluten free, your antibodies or anthistimaine or something won't be all reactive and you will look to be a-ok in the gluten world, no prob Bob/ So I'm dosing up on lovely old gluten, I did thoroughly enjoy some pizza, a gyro, and so much fried zucchini I have intense heartburn and am so full I may not eat tomorrow...and I will pay for my yummies by spending many waking hours in the bathroom buuut...once they draw blood from me, I can go gluten free again. So I get to go in for that and a follow-up too.

I feel like I am in my 80s. I should just wear those adjustable waist band slacks, orthopedic shoes (crap!! I'm actually supposed to have orthopedics. True story.) blue highlights and coke-bottle glasses (again, crap! And where are my darned new glasses I ordered btw? It's been two weeks!) and call everyone sonny boy and know all the hospital staff by name. And I better get my hospital discount card, or I'm writing a complaint letter to the newspaper editor and telling my bridge club about it. We vote, dammit!