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A mummy-hand holding, (former) biker gang affiliating, hippie influenced semi crunchy granola mom's ramblings and reminisings on an off-kilter life

Sunday, January 27, 2013

I have an evil scientist on my hands

If day cares are petri dishes (they certainly are), then toddlers are evil scientists who need to discover the glory of rights protected patents.

When you drop your child off at daycare, you expect them to learn their ABCs and ride tricycles and sing songs. Sure, they do that, but it is a FBI style undercover disguise for what they're really up to.

These evil little geniuses are concocting new viruses and resurrecting eradicated diseases like little Edward Jenners and Jonas Salks.

Jacob calls over little Kayden to spit into the sippy cup, and then asks Madison to delicately lasso some snot into the cup. When no one is looking, Kayden adds some urine, shakes it, and then steals baby Mia's bottle of formula and adds a splash to the sippy cup. It is left under the pack and play for a week, until Jacob recovers it and "tests" it out on poor unsuspecting Jackson and Nevaeh, who bring it home. It baffles the urgent care doctors and pediatricians, who shrug and label it "a virus" and send them home. Really, Jacob created viral-tonsil-rectum-pox-itis-jacobus, a brand new disease.

But don't fret. Jackson and Neveah get their revenge when they lick the dog's foot and play in the cat litter, then fingerpaint with Jacob and put their fecal-mattered hands into the blue paint. Jacob suddenly concocts smallpox, but is diagnosed with chicken pox since smallpox has been eradicated...so we thought.


Three miles away in another town, Emily had visited her cousin Jackson and brought home viral-tonsil-rectum-pox-itis-jacobus. She goes and licks the noses of all her fellow playmates and they then spread the disease, until Daniel decides to sneeze as he is being licked and so begets a new strain of viral-tonsil-rectum-pox-itis-jacobus.

Really, these little "scientists" need to patent their discoveries. If Jacob patended his concoction, it would be kept locked up top secret and Jackson's parents wouldn't be moaning and groaning and fighting one another for the last can of ginger ale. Emily, Daniel, and Nevaeh would be healthy and they too would not copy Jacob's disease. One might make a new one, but it would stay at that.


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12 comments:

  1. LMAO! This is the truest thing I've ever read. Kids are epic germ vectors.

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  2. I have called my daughter the little petri dish for years. At least I can comfort myself with the fact that I have successfully taught her to share.

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  3. "viral-tonsil-rectum-pox-itis-jacobus". Hilarious!

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  4. This is exactly right. I have never had so many illnesses as the first year I had one in daycare. Every two weeks I would be calling everyone we had visited to let them know what their symptoms would be for the next two weeks.

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  5. Both hilarious and true, a delicate combination to manage.

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  6. Haha, kids are so stinkin' gross! It's amazing that my household isn't continuously sick with our three kids and a dog who likes to eat his own poo.
    Funny post!

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  7. My daughter has had a runny nose since the new year. . . she must go to the same school as your kids. . . :)

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  8. Ha, this is like a toddler version of King's _The Stand_!!

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  9. So sorry y'all have been sick (assuming this isn't a work of fiction), but this is a hilarious post!

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  10. So funny and, more than likely, so true!!

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  11. Oh, man... I've got four kids, two in school and twins at home yet. There is always at least one of them sick with something at any given time. Stinks...

    This was hilarious!

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  12. I love the science spin on this! Yuck. I am glad my kids are a bit older now. Those early years are brutal. Small pox? Yikes!

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