club dread

So in pregnancy circles there is team pink, blue, green for girl, boy, don't know. I went team green last time. This time I am so torn. So here I go ranting and raving and pouring my heart out publicly cause I NEED to.

I am secretly (well not anymore) cheering team blue. I already have a boy and the idea of a girl gives me a near panic attack. Club dread. Yep that probably makes me an evil b1tch. And sure I know I will love my child, boy or girl, but it is those months until birth, from knowing via ultrasound till a bit after birth when I am madly in love, which make me very depressed. Cause I suck like that and have issues. I want to cry.

I am quite the tomboy, minus my lack of understanding or appreciation for sports. (Well, running and hiking and solo sports rock but anyways...). I mean I am not dressed in sneakers, jeans, a I am disfuising my figure mom sweater. I wear nice jeans and a pretty blouse. But i feel naked in dresses and will never understand heeled shoes. I wear makeup when I feel like I have to. I style my hair maybe once a year for special occasions. I have never had a mani-pedi and don't want one. I like to look nice as in, not a homeless slob, but I do not need to wear a pound of makeup to look nice. I hate soap operas and fashion/ girly/celeb/ housekeeping magazines. As a teen I listened to my parents, chatted with then, came home before curfew. I didnt get kissed till 17. I never owned a poster of a cute boy. I refused to wear frills or pink.

So having a girl (well the possibility thereof) throws me for a loop anc makes me literaly want to cry. I tried to soothe myself with statistics...I have a 50/50 shot here but my mind is frozen on, eek girl! I tried to soothe myself googling "benefits of having a girl" and that, lemme tell you, is the WRONG thing to do. I was barraged by lists about bows and frills, ballet and heels, dresses and makeoovers, princesss parties and oink, the omg cute clothes and slumber parties, gossip, nail polish, perms....all the crap I dread. I did see mention of "my toddler girl is so sweet and caring" but hello folks. Meet my little guy. He might love cars and balls and throwing thingd and getting dirty, but he is all love. He cuddles all the time and pets my boobs when I am sad. He kisses me all oer, even as a way to wake me up. He shares his chocolate cake with me. Total sweetie. So I am not won over to the girl side.
My entire extended family on all sides wants a girl. Why? "Omg so we can dress her up in preciius cuuuuuute clothing!" Seriiusly? Seriously. They want a f*cking dress up doll.my 50% chance of girl is not a f*cking dress up doll thank you very much. She will never be a self righteous spoiled princess. If I have a girl I wlldo all in my power to make her an intelligent, strong, morally stable, go get them girl. But family wants a f*cking dress up doll and I know them, everything will be girl-rific. They will buy more stuff for her than my son because "girl stuff is sooo cuuuuuute!!!!". Ugh. I want a strong girl but havent a clue how to make her that way, so asking for a boy is easier.

Plis that gives my son a brother. A life long buddy instead of this alien girl creature. It means I can go hiking and have mud fights and climb trees. I can play cars with them and help them construct bike jump ramps. I can teach them to be sensitive and a comolete gentleman while still being "cool". That it isnt all about kicking the sh1t out of others. I can avoid pink and boy bands and the battle of women-are-not -slutty-objects. I can just continue doing what I do, what I know best, what I already do with my boy.

I was thinking of going team green and whatever the doctor says at delivery. Its a......I will be happy with. But then I think I need to psych myself up if its a girl so I need a few months to know and deal with it. Then i thought, i will find out and no one will know but hubby and I. Its none of their damned business what genitalia are inside my womb. Especially cause the first thing anyone says when I tell them I am pregnant is NOT congrats, yay, goood for you guys, how exciting...nope.it is, are you having a boy or girl?