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A mummy-hand holding, (former) biker gang affiliating, hippie influenced semi crunchy granola mom's ramblings and reminisings on an off-kilter life

Monday, September 24, 2012

heil homeowners ASSociation

I hate our HOA. HATE IT and so does my husband. But he likes to mess with them, tee hee. I think we get more violation notices than the rest of the community put together. We are the bad boys on the block, with our trash cans out an extra day, a dandelion on the lawn, an unpainted satellite wire, and an RV parked for teo days. I know. I am such a rebel and bad influence, you should stop reading my blog since I just provided some terrible neighborhood degradation ideas.

When we got a letter (or three) about our satellite cable not matching the house, we knew it could just be painted with the house paint. Hat is the fun in that? So hubby calls them, worried about the environmental impact and structural integrity of house paint on a wire. The HOA went and spent months researching this sh1t. So we got away with a mismatching cable and made them waste time and money. Hubby also asked them about their constitutional right to tax us without representation .so they created a board of local residents and asked him to join, which of course he didn't.

We just got a notice for our lawn. Our renters decided to not water the lawn for two months, in the SW USA blazing death summer sun. They are gone and left us with a dead lawn. It is mostly perfect now albeit for a few patches of moist soil where the watering alone could not remedy, so there is grass seed. You can see seeds and sprouts but guess what? We have a threat of a lien and hearing date on our property. Seriously. Over maybe enough seedy dirt to be the size of a door mat, in an entire yard. No joke

You cannot have an RV, boat, trailer, quad or vehicle with a sign (ie Joe Bob's Construction) on it. We live in the white trash mecca of the state, most every female resident has skunk hair and a tramp stamp and every male a jacked up pick up ,quad, and 24 pack of cheap beer. Did the HOA not do a study of the surrounding area when coming up with these laws? And then.....more about landscaping. We are told which plants to plant, to create a "local mountain feel". You know, with Kentucky and Bermuda grass, Australian pines, Indian pepper trees, and African daisies. Local mountain my arse. Where are my live oaks, junipers, ragweed, and thorny bushes? They did not have an answer to that. I just planted some cosmos and I am waiting for that letter. Hey HOA b1tches, cosmos are native to the foothills of Mexico and SW USA so there. And besides  back to my lawn here....the many foreclosed homes have dead lawns, no problem. The golf course is riddled with dandelions. No problem. But if a paying resident has the slightest issue, it is like WWIII. With a million in funds just sitting there, the HOA can afford to weed the golf course or lay off its residents.

See, I hate illogical-ness.  Why should I have to fix my yard but the HOA property is exempt? Why is a African daisy considered mountain local and cosmos not? Why can't I ride my bike on the course? See, a few years ago I rode my bike on the paved paths through the golf course. Suddenly a cart was coming up on me like nobody's business, yelling and shaking fists. Sigh. I had broken the code again. Apparently I could not ride the bike because "you could get hurt by a flying golf ball." I pointed out that I paid my dues which include the golf course, and what if I had had golf clubs with me? The angry man just reiterated his golf ball scare tactics at which point I asked, how is it any different, a golf cart, or on foot, vs a bike? Don't you care for the safety of the golfers? Are the flying balls going to swerve past the golf carts and on foot golfers just to hit the biker? Thr angry man did not seethe logic in my questions and it served only to infuriate him even more to where he threatened to call the cops and began herding me like a sheep to the exit, as I screamed, "the cops eon't do a thing, I paid my dues,I belong here". Why then, did I leave? I had been engaged to hubby but a week or teo and decided if an angry horde of golf carts surrounded his house, golf clubs shaking violently, calling for my head on a stake, he might not wish to marry me.

1 comment:

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