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A mummy-hand holding, (former) biker gang affiliating, hippie influenced semi crunchy granola mom's ramblings and reminisings on an off-kilter life

Friday, July 27, 2012

the funny farm aka looney bin

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i sabed this cool thingy, and took a phot. Then my itchy shirt tag, five hours later, turned out to be a stealthy hidden two more body gzzzt sensor things..... So I almost went to the looney bin today. Or something. So I have lately been super fatigued and have had bad asthma and just a bleh feeling. And so I went to the doctor where the fun began.°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°° The doctor let's call him Dr. India comes in and asks what is wrong. I explain and he gives me that look. You know, the uh huh, nut job look. I explain my fatigue, that it feels like when you are sick and you nap and then you wake up but you are like meh I guess I will just lay o nthe couch till I fall back asleep again. He says no, no clue what I am talking about and gives me the look again. Then says that my oxygen levels are 100% so it can't be asthma. He says maybe it is heartburn. Or maybe a cold. Maybe it is asthma but it went away. Maybe it is a panic attack. Maybe it is a heart condition. (What is with the maybes,dr. India? You are the doctor ,I did not come for a laundry list of maybes).So then he asks if I have ever had a panic attack. I think, hmm, they run in the family and I might have had one once. See I was on the freeway in the middle lane and a semi in the fast lane and one in the slow both wanted to occupy my lane. With me in it. So I accelerated and escaped by like a few inches as they went into the middle lane an then realized, within inches, we could not all be there at once. So was it a panic attack or just a crap I almost died? So then I think, ok so am I having a panic attack today? I have felt kind of i nthe dumps but a year of unemployment and a continuous loop of Caillou will do that to anyone. Crap. Does he think I am nuts? Dr .India did give me THAT LOOK? TWICE. Do I look crazy? Well my hair is that frizzed out hobo meth addict crazy lady hair but that is some Chicago made me do it frizz hell that has even baffled the most expensive of Aveda products and representatives. Am I acting bonkers? I did have like 8 pugfs of my inhaler today, an energy drink, and two cups of coffee so I am twitching like a tweeker but even with that much crap in my system I still want a nap. So dr. India decides to do an EKG on me. Now my caffiene filled veins are doing a fast paced drum solo. My dad had 3 heart attacks and now I am getting hooked to a heart monitor?°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°° So Nurse Alt lifestyle comes in (I habe nothing against her lifestyle, my uncle was like that but I am trying to paint a mental image for my readers) gives me a gown and i realize how well it matches my light blue shorts. She knocks to come i nwith the machine and I am coughing so I don't answer till she kmockscagain. I apologize and she says she too has been coughing lately. So I at least do not feel like a freak. Well, I might still be the tweaking frizzy haired meth addict but at least my cough is legit. I get hooked up and begin to get scared. My mom has a hole in her heart. My dad had heart attacks. My husband is the kind of guy that thinks a splinter is going t ogive me gangrene so what the hell do I tell him? I have to turn my cell off and what if he texts me and I don't answer and he thinks I am dead and he comes i nand sees me hooked up to a bunch of wires? What if it is some deadly condition or a mystery condition and I am here all day with xrays and blood tests and stuff?what if it comes back fine and then they really think I am nuts? They might send me to the looney bin for sure. (So they didnt. They said oh you ran out of your asthma cortisone stuff and you have severe asthma since you wrre here in April. So take this medicine bla bla bla)Apparently I am the bad patient who does not control her asthma that the doctors do not think I have.


  1. That's hillarious and so Beaver Medical. Years ago after I had my surgery I was having a ton of pain in my chest so I went to my doctor and she was an hour late to my appointment so I was pissed when she walked in. So she told me I was having panic attacks. I wasnt even stressed out or mad at all until she was so late! I think panic attacks are doctore excuse for anything. That's why I didnt go to the doctor for my poison oak; they would probably just say it's a panic attack

  2. Lol...my leg is gushing blood, my head is spinning, my hair is on fire, but yeah must be a panic attack? Iam convinced its what they say for sh*ts and giggles.