disclaimer or something

A mummy-hand holding, (former) biker gang affiliating, hippie influenced semi crunchy granola mom's ramblings and reminisings on an off-kilter life

Monday, July 8, 2013

The Waiting Game

I'm waiting, waiting, waiting..... for baby #2 to arrive. I don't recall being quite as "c'mon! I'm waiting" impatient with my first child, but then again I was finishing my MA degree, a semester as an administrator in a school, and the rush of the holidays were upon us so I didn't have time to get impatient. Now I'm jobless, not in school, no holiday rush...all there is is time. Time to get imnpatient. And everyone keeps asking, "when ya' having that baby?" Like I have a freaking clue. Or, "how are you feeling? Any different today?" as if I would feel different before labor. I mean, with my son I felt completely normal, did dishes, decided to take a bath to waste time before the library opened and.... my water broke. Then contractions began an hour later. I'd had conversations that morning with family asking that same questions, "do you think today is the day? Do you feel any different?" I'm not the type of pregnant woman who is turned into an invalid in pregnancy and my heart goes out to those with tough pregnancies. I'm pretty much symptom-less. Although now at 38 weeks I get lower back pains, period-type cramps, stabbing cervix pain but its not debilitating. I can't bend down very well cause I have a baby in the way. So sure I'm not vacuuming the staircase or lifting 50 pounds or running around or anything. But my point here is I'm doing fine given the circumstances BUT I'm done being pregnant. I'm interpreting every tiny twinge or feeling in my body and then over interpreting it as labor, because with my son once contractions began- and they were STRONG- I was ready to push two hours later. I keep thinking, did I just not notice anything beforehand? I'm scared of being a mom again. The sleepless nights. Fear of SIDS. Adjusting to a newborn and learning about them as they learn about the world, shot into the world as a helpless being. I know I will love both kiddos, I know that, but sharing my love is incomprehensible as of now. I'm worried about my son, my pride and joy, who never leaves my side, feeling abandoned, less loved. Jealous. I fear the hospital as I feel like a number and someone to just give unneccesary (crap how do I spell that?) interventions to. I hate the idea of a 24 hour post labor stay in a skinny uncomfy bed with a paper pillow and bright lights, constant interruptions, disinfectant smell, jello diet, and lacking anything remotely comforting. I dread being away from my oldest son for that long, he's never been without mommy that long and I know he will just have a 24 hour tantrum for whoever is suckered into watching him. And I feel for him emotion-wise. I want to be done being pregnant but am not looking forward to a PTSD style sleep deprivation world. I want to be done but fear a middle of the night labor. Giving birth in the car. Being sent home for "not being in labor". Having a 24 hour long labor. Having complications and thus a c section which beyond scares me. Having an unhealthy child stuck in NICU, my own personal hell. I just....am tired of waiting and being nervous and I just want it all resolved, happy, rainbows and sunshine.

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