Defeated.
Not "Oh i lost a softball game" defeated.
The world is over, I want lots of wine and a dark cave to escape the world; or a reset button defeated. Yeah.
Nope that's the depression talking, but i still feel utterly defeated, depression or not.
Recently, my son told his teacher he'd punch her, because he wanted to stay on the playground.
He pulled a baby girl's hair.
He told his friend that his (the friend's) sister was stupid, which really hurt his friend.
Let me back up.
Bit over a year ago.
A girl at my son's school loved to shoot dirty glances or a stuck-out tongue his way, quiet mean whispers when no one was looking, etc. She caused him to fear school.
Not that my son is innocent. He can be mean. Real mean. But he must have a reason, an instigation.
Now, another girl called him naughty and told him "no boys allowed" so he decided all girls were evil, stupid, mean.
He got fixated on it. He is great at fixating on things, like a bulldog, for better or worse.
He pees himself thinking about her and is convinced she will kill him. He is full of fear, the poor thing. So he decides vengeance and harm is the answer, at least in his mind.
So he hates girls. He pulls their hair. He tells them they're stupid.
He is a whirlwind of activity and movement and emotion, an uncontrollable tornado at all times.
But he is sweet. When his brother loses a toy, he draws him a new toy. He writes love notes. He chases me down to give me kisses. He tells everyone how much he loves his pets. He says he wants to marry me.
He is a gentle but volatile soul.
So I thought why not seek therapy for him?
So the mental health dept put me on hold. For an hour. Hello, do not put people with mental illness on hold for an hour! That could be a life or death situation! Luckily it was not for us.
Wait, back up, again. A year ago, I call for therapy. I'm told I can get it for him, but only one hour away. Only in the morning. I have a medical issue where my driving is restricted, so if the weather is bad I cannot drive. So my husband drives, but he works in the morning. Also they said I cannot bring my youngest son. There is literally one babysitter within thirty minutes and I wouldn't trust her with a cockroach. Really, no babysitters. I had to quit a Bible study cause of it.
Anyways so I couldn't get therapy then.
I finally find one locally and my insurance has loosened up their...whatevers....so I can go locally.
Except she isn't taking patients. I'm on a waiting list.
So my mommy and me group calls today. "We can't....uh...handle a child like him. There are moms afraid for their safety."
Shit. Really.
I want to get him help. But I can't. I've had him tested for like....every mental or whatever issue and everyone just says oh he's borderline/at risk, sorry, we can't help. I'm quite sure he has anxiety and Sensory issues but his anxiety is "borderline" and sensory only comes with an autism diagnosis which three different places have "tried" and he gives eye contact, the first assessment question, so they don't continue with the assessment. No autism cause he looks you in the eye.
So I'm stuck.
I feel defeated. Like I'm a bad mom. And no one can help. All I want is to help my little boy and all I get is judgement, exile, evil looks, criticism.
