The b*tch witch

I pine away for the olden days of Halloween, where droves of kids wanders the dark streets, dressed up in (not prostitute-y) clothing, gorging themselves on candy.

Halloween has gone too p.c. and too....totally un-fun in my eyes. So let me be a b*tch (and a witch, which is what I was for Halloween) and give my overly opinionated take on Halloween as it stands today.

I for one am banning the "switch witch" from my house, some godawful creation I just got privy to last week. (FYI, I do indeed live under a rock.) in case you, too., live under a rock, there's some cheesy poem and she is like Elf on a Shelf (another thing I loathe, see http://disorderlywanderlustblog.blogspot.com/2012/12/the-patriot-elf-act_16.html?m=1) and..ok so there is a poem and she takes candy. But in attempt to use propaganda techniques to get kids I relinquish their prized sweets, she "loves candy so much she will take your offerings and give you a toy...the more candy, the better the toy". Or something like that.

Some might sing her praises but I for one, won't. I already get my son enough damned toys and I am tired of there now being Easter presents and Valentines presents and now Halloween presents. Back in my day, those days meant candy, and maybe a super cheap stuffed bunny. Not a gaming console or new Nikes or whatever. That is what Christmas is for! And secondly, while I know the cavity filled dangers of gorging yourself on candy, YOLO folks, you only live once, so my son will be keeping and devouring and possibly vomiting up all his candy. To quote Garfield, "candy candy candy" which will probably be released in some new 2013 version, "broccoli broccoli broccoli". Arse-holes.

Second, "trunk or treat" another "thing" my sheltered rock self just found out a kit two days ago. I guess it is where a community/school/church ropes off a parking lot, parks cars, and has trunks full of candy, ring toss games, etc. It is focused on being non-scary and fun for ages 1 to 101. Oh and often it is held on days other than Halloween as a "Halloween alternative" for the Anti Halloween crowd...cause nothin' says anti-Halloween like costumes and candy.

Why am I against this wholesome family fun activity? Am I some curmudgeon, some evil Scrooge? No, I am quite the opposite!

See, first, candy out of trunks just seems a little too..."come into my dark windowless molester van, I have candy" for me. Second, part of the fun of trick or treating is, well, trick or treating...walking down a dark pathway on a spooky night and waiting for either a goblin to pounce you (or mountain lions in my neck of the woods) or the door to open and some lady to give you handfuls of candy. There is suspense, anticipation, danger, and fun all rolled into one, which a well-lit, non-scary parking lot of open trunks seems to rid of.

Now sure, I know there are parent unable to take their kids door to door, so trunk or treat is a good alternative. Or maybe you are too paranoid and can't let your kid go door to door, but what happened to the one sucker per mom group who ended up either waking a dozen kids door to door or sloooowly driving down the street, eyes on the kids all ninja sniper style as they paraded around?

And not-scary? Sure, my kids scared to death would be no fun but as I reflect back, those were some cool memories of my own. Like when a "fortune teller" told me something bad would happen at midnight and I stayed up till midnight, pacing, too scared to tell my parents, only to feel sooo relieved at midnight when all was ok. Or the haunted house that I knew was fake. It that scared my friend so much that it spawned some cool ghost hunting adventures the next summer.

This Halloween, my child went to preschool in costume and had candy and hot dogs. For lunch. Teacher approved. We went door to door on a blustery dark night. We did it right and I hope we scared that switch witch away!

P.s. if this says it posted 11/2 it posted 11/1 and I edited a typo on 11/2