Uncharted Territory, A Rebel with a Cause

I am a struggling educator, and I’m not talking financially but sort of…spiritually and philosophically. Like many great people before me- John Taylor Gatto and his “I Quit,  I Think” letter (http://www.johntaylorgatto.com/underground/prologue2.htm)  and recently,  Gerald Conti (http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/answer-sheet/wp/2013/04/06/teachers-resignation-letter-my-profession-no-longer-exists/) quit.  I think.

 I have a long two months ahead of me, waking before dawn to go to a job I hate.  As the work week rolls around, I honest-to-God go through a day of true depression and utter dread at what I must face. Teach, manage, and control children in ways I hate. See their joy diminish, their hatred for learning bloom, see their future crumble, and their creativity and imagination- well, I don’t even see that anymore. See that I can do little to nothing to help them, inspire them. I try, but I cannot make the difference I want. I hate it.

Standardized testing is coming up, so we are in full test-prep crazy mode, and have a plethora of staff meetings and memos regarding all the policies- cover your clocks, they could cheat off that, cover your walls, separate desks, no bathroom breaks, all social media will be patrolled by newly hired goons (my term) scouring the net for cheating or even mention of the test. Forget to remove a poster, let a child talk, mumble “whew what a test” to a co-worker, or not catch a child Facebooking “that test blew” and like an episode of 24, ninjas with lasers will triangulate your location and the school and YOU the teacher will be in deep you know what. Don’t let that happen, staff.

I’m tired of “managing human capital” as the Common Core Standards propose. I’m tired of A,B,C,D answers and no critical thinking. I’m saddened that great literature is being tossed aside by big wig idiots with power and title, dictating what I MUST do in my classroom when they have never even met a single one of my students. They don’t know these children’s needs or desires, their burdens and passions. All everyone sees is a top down, prescriptive formula and some dollar signs at the sake of our children, our future.

And I’m done. I can barely wait for school to let out, and yet I’m terrified, as I don’t know what else to do with my life. I simply know  I cannot tell another child “no”, “because you’re tested on it” “because I have to”.  I don’t know what to do, but what I’m forced to do isn’t working.

I can no longer be part of the problem and I don't know how to be part of the solution so I will just quietly exit when no one else is looking. And, trust me, it is not the easy way out.

 

Wish me luck as I leave everything  I love and hate behind, as I embark in uncharted territory, a grown woman restarting her life and reclaiming her philosophy. Too bad the journey alone won't pay the bills but it will set me free.