Dark of dawn, dark of mind

It's not quite 6 am, I am not a pre dawn person, and I dread waking my son so is the same way.

I dread going to work. I do not like my job. There. I said it to the world. My last job in education was pretty awesome, even with some major bumps along the way. I was eager most every day to teach some great lessons; I woke excited to go to work, or at least enough that if I got there in a bad mood, it would lift quickly.

I feel powerless where I am at, no one listens to me and I'm drowning in despair. I've tried every classroom management trick in the book but it is me. Me. I am the flaw. Plus just so many other not-classroom management things factor in and paint my day a murky puddle of brown.

And this is me after pep talking myself every work day. I CFO to work with a smile, I did zillions of hours of theater in my past, I can act the part and do, minus the whole the kids won't actually. Be quiet part. I give it my all but I am tired of giving.

Am I done with teaching? Lord no. I love all that is education, I plan someday to write books on the subject, to try and. E a change agent for the betterment of education, of learning. This is just a set back. Summer is two days after Memorial Day. It seems so far away but I can get there. Without a breakdown. Okay with some emotional upsets but I can do it. If only I fully believed myself, if only I could really embrace that and say lets do this! Carpe diem! They can't take our freedom! I am Sparta! Or whatever. But I cannot shake this cloud that I carry with y, murky dread hidden behind a theatrical smile, trying to claw it's way out, tearing me up inside.

Sigh.