Why I'm still unemployed

You know how people scream, get a job?!?! It ain't that easy. And yes I have a freaking MA degree and yet no job.

I can apply to McDonalds or whatever but
 a) they want experience since putting fries in oil is difficult
 b) don't want someone with a Master's degree frying french fries
c)once I work, I have to pay child care ($1,000 month) plus pay back my student loans ($1,000) and gasoline ($100-1000 month depending on the commute) and I mean if I work, I want to not just pay child care, loans, and gas, cause why even work? Unless you get some spare money to pay bills, save for vacation, buy ice cream with, etc. So I need to make, after taxes, over $2500 month. That ain't mimimum wage folks, I need to make $15 hour or more.

I can apply to jobs in my field. You know, that at least 200 others who are equally or more qualified apply to. Wait, I am doing that and have been for over a year, to over 500 jobs.

I can apply to jobs in my field but "beneath" me. Wait, been doing that too. I apply to teaching jobs but every HR person knows I must obtain an Admin position in the next 4 years or my credential and 2 years of work are null and void, so I'm essentially a temporary teacher forced by circumstances to look for a job other than teaching.

I can apply outside my field. I mean if I can teach, I can manage, train, design, sell, assist, care for others, problem solve, etc. Awesome.  Like, I can....
1. Train people at X Factory to make furniture. Wait. I need at least a) 1 yr experience training people to make chairs, and I need to be fully bilingual. Sure I can habla espanol and ask for a taco sin queso, or tell you your child's homework is late, but I'm not the bilingual they are looking for.
2. Be a truck driver. Cause my bro in law has been looking for a truck driving job for over a year. And I can't drive stick and lack any depth perception....I'd be a danger on the road. So, nope.
3. Virtual Shopping Center Supervisor- hey all you need is a high school diploma! Check! (But it also means you probably make $9 an hour). And 2+ years warehouse experience (read: minimum wage) and experience using those hand scanner grocery clerk thingies. Ability to operate motorized equipment such as forklift. (refer to truck driver job please). Hmph. So I can't work at that $10 an hour job.
4. Teach English in Asia...hey I'm qualified! But I'd have to relocate my entire family. And you still have to pay taxes, don't get benefits, and make $30,000 a year. I mean $30,000 is my minimum income but to afford to move, fly there, buy furniture, and pay for health stuff out of pocket...umm...no.
5. Career Services Advisor. Y College. Yes! I can do that and for $19 an hour I can gasp survive financially. Ok...has HR or related field degree, check, excellent communication skills, check, knowledge of visual arts industry.... kinda...I like to draw... 2 years experience in career counseling and 1 year marketing.... crap. fail.

Ok so maybe I need to get warehouse experience, train people in a factory, career-counsel, and market/sell stuff. ok.

So to do training factory people,
I can be a mattress specialist! Now that is a random, specific, awesome job. I mean I like sleeping so that means I'm an expert right? As a mattress specialist I can merge into X Factory trainer. Except I need experience in retail, supervisory positions, and mattress selling. Ok so I can get a job selling mattresses, then become a supervisor, then a specialist, then work as a X factory trainer. Crap. To sell furniture/mattresses, all the jobs I find require 2 years experience selling furniture. How can I sell furniture if I need experience selling furniture? And it would take me probably 5 years to even become a mattress specialist let alone X Factory trainer.

I KEEP SEEING THIS PROBLEM, YOU NEED  YRS EXPERIENCE IN LOW-LEVEL JOB, THE ONLY WAY TO GET THAT JOB IS TO HAVE X YRS EXPERIENCE IN THAT LOW-LEVEL JOB. So How do you even get a job then? It's like saying, hi this is McFastFood, and to become a p/t burger flipper you must have 5 yrs experience burger flipping. WTF?!?!

Ok I will work in a warehouse making widgets. I can unload merchandise for a Mart corporation, you know, at minimum wage so I can't earn that little with childcare, commute, loans, etc. And again I need 2 YEARS EXPERIENCE in this entry level position, to get, an entry level warehouse position. And again I don't drive a forklift.

OK I will Career-Counsel. Hey academic dean at a community college! Wait...2 yrs experience as an academic dean in a community college required. Crap. Hmm there are career counseling jobs, none in my exact area but some in my state which require, you guessed it, 2 yrs experience in career counseling.

Marketing, I can do that. One position, must be recent college grad hey....that's me, I mean I finished my MA not my BA but yeah. Yeah. Wait. They want someone who has NO job experience. Crap. Oooh, how about...hmm...looks like a pyramid scheme. That job as well. Hmm here's another but you need only high school education, so, minimum wage and it looks like a calling center. Umm, no.

Ok I am NOT being picky about jobs as you can see. I just need to earn enough to pay for the job itself, and I need one where I have the experience needed. So I'm screwed.

But then I thought maybe, when I apply to jobs, even those I listed which I wasn't qualified for, maybe my resume looks weird. No...some don't even ask that just a name and number. Name! My name or email or something must be evil, you know, they google it and some serial killer has my same email or something. That HAS to be why I still can't get a job even though I apply to jobs every day. So I google my name and email. Nothing too exciting, some of my published writing, a vocabulary quiz for my students, some person with my name runs track, oh crap supposedly my email without the @(mail carrier.com) part, is sexy boob. I did not show my sexy boob to any Korean website or anyone for that matter. I supposedly also play fashion games, a book and restaurant review that are actually me, and that's it. It has to be the boob but its one of those site descriptions where its all like...  boobs coffee bunny rabbits disorderlywanderlust happy sexy body. But again it is not my boob. and with the boob website, it has basically everyone on earth's email name in there.

So....hmmm...I'm unemployed because of imaginary boobs, and the fact that I need experience in XYZ before I can get a job in XYZ which only requires a high school diploma.

So maybe my original idea, that I smell funny, is the real reason.