ruminations

Here I am, stuck at home 'cause when "civilization" (you know, Target, Trader Joes, ethnic restaurants) is almost an hour away, and you have a tantruming toddler and a newborn, you can't go anywhere. It's not like I can stop in the middle of a winding mountain road to just breastfeed one and soothe the other, but  I digress...

I was tryng to come up with what to blog about to pass the time and I started to reach into my past. I began to think about my mistakes (as in past boyfriends and all the accompanying drama) and though, "jackpot, blog material". But then I realized that stuff is much to personal, emotional, and overall crappy to be sharing with the world. Just my thinking about thinking about it made me feel remorseful  and murky and likap e, why did I do all that? What the heck was wrong with me?

But then I looked over at my toddler who refuses to nap and is working my last, sleep deprived nerve. i glanced over at my napping newborn thinking, "why do you nap all day and fuss all night?!?!" And yet, even with this exasperation of motherhood, I feel blessed.

Why question why things happen? Why beat yourself up over the past? Don't. Know that somehow all that past played into the present and the present is awesome. You got here. You are loved. You give love. Life is beautiful, even that toddler kicking you is beautiful because he is love and joy. Even the crying newborn is love and joy. So are you.

Sometimes things happen or don't happen for a reason, a reason you may never know, but you just have to accept it.

 Sometimes you have to lose yourself to find yourself.